Jobs…

My mom told me she has a friend who has a daughter-in-law, or something like that, who owns a Shell convenient store, and they’re always needing people to do the night shift.

My friend Beau’s got a good job as a customer care person at a well known business. He just answers the phone and what not. I asked him If I could work there and he said, “Maybe at the loading docks.” He insinuated they would not want me working in their building, and if they did I’d have to shave my beard, and wear long sleeves all the time (covering up my tattoos), and most probably a turtle neck as well.

My dad said the new Cookeville bus service might be hiring, but it might not be the most secure position because they might not be running after this year due to all sorts of buerecratic stuff.

I went to buy Kanye West’s new album today at Sam Goody and a sign on the door said, something to the extent of, “We’re looking for bubbly applicants who have great people skills, and are happy all the time, and just can’t get enough of smiling. Smiling should preferably be your hobby.” Don’t quote me on that. I worked up my most enthusiastic voice, walked in and said, “Hi there. I’m a real people person and would be great for a position here.” I ended up sounding a little bit like Jim Carrey. The lady gave me this little slip of paper where I can apply online.

I ate lunch with my dad and afterwards we went to the hardware store. The dude behind the counter looked a little bored. I said, “Hey. Are you guys hiring?”

Dude, “I’m not really sure right now but I can give you an application.”

Me, “Can you have a beard and work here?”

Dude, “Well, we’ve never really had anyone with a beard like that. But I think it would be fine…as long as there’s no birds nesting in it or whatever.”

Me, “Nah, only mice.”

Dude, “Well, that’s alright.”

Me, “And what about tattoos.” I rolled up my sleeve a bit.

Dude, “That should be fine.”

Me, “Great. But one more thing. Do I need to know how to build stuff to work here? Cause I can’t build anything.”

Dude, laughing, “Um, no. No, you don’t have to know that. I only know how to build with legos. That’s the extent of my building skills.”

Me, “Well, I can’t even do that.”

Dude sympathized, then asked, “Should I get you an application?”

Me, “Nah. Save a tree. I’ll get one when I’m ready to be hired. I’m around.”

Dude, “Cool.”

A job where I can have a beard and tattoos? Perfect! And then my dad said, “Yeah, and you don’t stand a chance of getting shot like you would at the Shell working the night shift.” I never thought of that. Convenient stores are always getting knocked off. I would stand a good chance of getting shot in the face, or at least the arm if I worked there. The Shell suddenly seemed like the best option.

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One Response to Jobs…

  1. Laura Collura says:

    You are flippen hilarious my brother. Suddenly sunny South Africa sounds like an ok place to work in after all…

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