Man, the closer it gets to me leaving South Africa indefinitely the more I realize how wrong it is, how wrong it feels. My Mom and ten-year-old brother Eli just visited for ten days. We had a great time, and I saw them off at the airport last night, with the underlying feeling of dread hanging heavy in my stomach, moving up and causing a lump in my throat. No, that feeling did not just come from being sad to see my Mom and Eli go, because I know I will see them in about a month. And THAT very thought is what caused the dread. I will leave here in just a month!!!!
I CAN’T LEAVE CAPE TOWN INDEFINITELY!!!!!!!!!!
Pooly Potter says I didn’t leave any room for help in my last blog. Like, I just said, “Hey, I’m leaving and there’s nothing you or anyone can do about it so there, eat it!” I guess I kind of did. But That’s not what I really meant to do, I don’t think. I mean yeah, I am leaving in November (the 24th to be exact) and it still is indefinitely (which I am becoming more and more anxious about), but as I said in the last blog, South Africa is still my home, and I still want to be here. But the “volunteer” phase to my life has come to an end and I need to be here in a way of more permanency (at least on paper, because I have been here pretty permanently for the past ten years), and in a way I can support myself, and hopefully, eventually even some kids I want to be able to take in, also permanently.
Just the other night I got a call around midnight, from a kid in town having a bit of a nervous breakdown, with suicidal talk, crying, mixed with general “not knowing what to do”. I jumped in my car, drove to town, picked him up and brought him home. The next day he was smiling again, at least for that morning. I can’t leave that behind! The next day we took a kid out for his birthday and when he walked up to the car his face was all contorted from, what he says, was a stroke; a seventeen year old having a stroke?!?! What’s going on?! Then there’s marriage proposal after marriage proposal I am getting from all my amazing friends wanting to help me out with my residential status; two from guys! And just love, lot’s and lot’s of love, everywhere I go, mixed with the sadness of leaving it all behind.
Ok, so none of this may be making sense to you. But to me, these experiences, along with others in the past two weeks, have just been used to show me my time here is not done, but I still need to rework things and be here in the way that I can actually BE here in the fullest of capacity that I know I can and should be. I think I had to risk losing all this to rediscover why I love it so much, and my purpose within it. Sometimes we forget what we have until we lose it. I still have to go in November, and yes I’ve got some stuff in my head and heart to work out, but I want to try and get back ASAP in a new and improved way. So, Pooly, and anyone and everyone else listening, this is me calling out and saying “help a brother out”. I need permanent residency and employment. HELP!